Daydreamer

Revealing to a new friend that my mom passed away when I was barely 10 yrs old has always been a point of awkwardness for me. I'm always wondering when it's going to come up & how to let someone know the answer to their "Where do your parents live?" questions without making them feel bad for asking. For almost 20 years I've dealt with this little dilemma and am almost always met with the very sweet and sympathetic "I can't imagine that!"

Tonight was no different as I was talking to a dear friend who I met earlier this year and upon learning my little "life secret" responded the same. I always appreciate the response and understand that for someone who has not had to deal with that loss it most likely is unimaginable. Tonight, though, I found myself responding differently.

In past conversations I've responded with "It's funny because I can't imagine life with her because this is just about all I've ever known." While this is true to a degree, I realized tonight that imaging my life with her is, sometimes, all I do. I wonder what it would be like to call her on Sunday afternoon for a girls shopping trip. To meet up for lunch just because we have some time. I wonder what it would be like to cry on her shoulder because someone has broken my heart or to share with her that I got "the job", am engaged or pregnant. I even wonder what it would be like to argue with her (because a good mama always loves to share her opinion...wanted or not!)

While the life I tend to often imagine will unfortunately never be for me I suppose it really is ok to dream. Even if it's a dream you know will never come true sometimes holding on to what could have been really isn't a bad thing. It certainly hurts to know those things will never be for me but I like to imagine them and think that one day she'll be there in spirit as I  enjoy those things with my little girl.

So here's to holding on to what might have been and looking forward to what will be. After all what fun is life without a little daydreaming?!?! :o)

Awwwwww :o) 

Valuing the Values

Again, it's with a thankful heart that I start this post. What am I thankful for tonight??? My company, Sephora, and my Store Director, Monette!!!

I've worked for 3 different companies and of course 3 different bosses since I've come home from Australia (not including my current company & boss.) With each of these jobs there was a certain set of values and "family atmosphere" that was spoken about in my interview and in the first few days of working for each of these (well, maybe not as much with the lawfirm.) With each I soon began to realize that it was all complete crap and none of them meant it (couldn't think of a nicer way to write that lol.)

On June 7th I was introduced to the values of Sephora (Intitiative, Teamwork, Expertise, Passion, Innovation, Respect for All & Work/Life Balance. ) I have to admit, it was definitely in one ear and out the other that first day. Obviously there was a lot going on but even more so it was that I'd heard it all before and it all seemed more like something the company would like to believe they believed in, or practiced, but didn't care to take the time to implement. As we moved onto training and had more interactions with other Sephora long time employees I began to see a common "Sephora DNA" (as I like to call it.) Each of these people truly represented each of the values that had been explained to us that first day.

Today, it was the last one, Work/Life Balance, that was really driven home for me personally. My Store Director, Monette, saw that I was basically one more "are you ok?" away from tears and sent me home. It was extremely hot, my knees, calves, ankles & feet were all rebelling against me and I was incredibly dizzy. As she walked me out from backstage she very adamantly explained to never stand up there in pain without letting her know. She has been very diligent since we started merchandising the store to always check on me and make sure I'm ok, and usually I am, but today it kind of all hit me at once. It's moments like this (and many others) throughout my short time at Sephora that have built such excitement and gratitude for my new job.

While I certainly love my curves and have no desire to be a stick figure (not that I could be), having this job has pushed me to a point I've never been before. I want to make a change so I can be the best "me" I can be at my job. I'm thankful for it and I want to have it for a long time. While I did order a pricey pair of shoes to help support all the goods, it's only a ban-aid fix. I want to be able to do anything I'm asked for my job, to serve my clients with confidence. When I left Australia I was considerably smaller and my confidence was considerably higher. I felt AAAAAMAZING! I loved the way I looked and I just felt light as air! I was still on the heavier side of life but I didn't feel like it held me back from anything, now I do. I feel like my weight is a hundred pound backpack that has knocked me off the ladder one too many times.

So, I don't have a plan. I'm not sure what I'll do but this is a new driver & purpose for me. It's not for an engagement ring, wedding, a vacation, a man, a baby or an item of clothing, it's simply for me! Everything in my life is wonderful except this one little area and quite frankly I'm just tired of being held down. I've never had this much peace and awesomeness all at once before. My job has always been a "just have to" point of life for me and now it's a place I can't wait to be at! 

And now for a little laugh via a search in google images :o)

My Tally Girls

As I laid in bed tonight (trying so desperately to fall asleep) I realized that in two weeks I'll be with my beautiful bestie, Jenn, and meeting her 2 month old baby boy, Gavin! With that I began think of my girls that I see while I'm in Tallahassee and how much fun I have when I'm with each of them. The more and more I thought about it, the happier I got...then I realized, wow I'm one lucky chick to have these girls. My relationships and what I love about each is completely different from one to the next but what remains with all is that rare rich connection that has bonded us for life. So, let me introduce you to a few of my girls...

My cousin, Ami, has been more than a bestie to me since I was born. We grew up together and were often mistaken for twin sisters, which is pretty much how I view her still to this day. Nobody will ever be able to share the experiences and the bond Ami and I do because well, we great up together. We can recall memories of singing "Bang Bang Lou Lou" in the back of the car and giggling at the bad words we shouldn't have known but our grandma taught us anyway. We'll never forget the cake in the face birthday (she knows what I'm talking about) or playing poker at 7 years old with dry pinto beans. Nobody else can recall planning to open a restaurant together called A&L's where she'd cook and I'd bake. Probably the most poignant memory we share is of my mom. None of my girlfriends had the pleasure of knowing my mom, but Ami can reflect back on her with me...that's kinda priceless for me. What I love most is that no matter how much we talk, we can always count on each other for that hour long call if we need it! It really is like having a sister, cousin just isn't the right word for us! It's moments like tonight where I stop and realize what an a blessing it really is to have her in my life. God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us to our moms at the times He did.

So, then there's Kimmy. Ok, I cannot remember why, but for some reason we stopped talking for quite a few years some time ago (I'm sure it was for what we thought at the time were good reasons but after reconnecting I can't think of any reason good enough to justify the time.) I remember being so nervous when we saw each other for the first time after so long but being SOOO ecstatic when it was like no time at all had passed. If there's one thing I can always count on with Kim it's to give me a good laugh, to keep me grounded and to always be willing to go to that deeper level at the most unexpected moments. She's that girlfriend that you can be laughing with in one breath and that tearing up in the next. I'm not sure if it's the hours of countless laughs or the moments of deep insight that I treasure most but what I do know is that having her back in my life has meant more to me than this blog can convey (and I'm not letting her go this time!) ;o)

Theeeeen there's Jennifer! Oh my Jenn!! There's simply no one else like my Jennifer. We've been through it all and at the end of the day I simply love her. There are a few people I would do absolutely anything for in my life and Jenn is certainly one of those few. What I love about her is that I can talk to her about ANYTHING!!! She is that close girlfriend that I so wished for when I was little and, as I've told her many times, I so believe God paired up with my mommy to send me Jennifer. You know there's that cheesy little christian saying of "when I count my blessings, I count you twice" well as cheesy as it is, that's how I feel about her. There's something about when we're hanging out together that feels like I'm me and I'm home again (maybe we were sisters in a past life.) She travelled across the world (literally) to see Australia with me and to fly home by my side (who does that?!?!) Whenever I'm an uncontrollable hot mess of tears and can't speak a word, I can call her and trust that she'll just let me cry till I can tell her what's wrong (yes, this has happened on more than one occasion.) I suspect it's her maternal heart but there's something about when she's calming me down that just brings a peace into my world. It almost feels like my mom is talking through her some times. With that maternal part comes her protective mama bear side over me. If Jenn loves you then nobody better mess with you! She's very protective over the hearts of the ones she loves and to be completely honest not having my mom has often times left me feeling like I don't matter but when Jenn's mama claws come out, I know I'm important to someone. I always know when she's helping me with something that it's always coming from a place of love (whether I would like to hear what she's saying or not.)

While there are a few more girls in my life that I love and completely appreciate (don't worry, your post will come), these are just my Tally girls. I couldn't help but lay here tonight overjoyed in my heart and so peaceful in my soul as I thought about seeing them in just TWO weeks!!! Each time I think about being in their midst a smile is sure to be on my face because I know laughter is not far away. Each trip is a memory sealed in my heart filled with love and laughter that I'm certain has extended my years!

So, dear Jesus, thanks for the amazing women you've surrounded me with and even moreso, thanks for reminded me of just how amazing they are and how blessed I am! Few people in life can say they have a bestie like I can, even fewer can say they have more than one.

I love you girls...
~ L